Little Eden Joelle

Dear Eden,

My darling girl, the one I didn’t dare hope for.  Your birth was a perfect mix of hard work, relaxation, cussing, love, begging and peace.  

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

3:51 am: I woke up feeling like I needed to go to the bathroom.  Before I got out of bed it dawned on me that it might be baby time so I felt my stomach and it confirmed my suspicion with its rigidity.  I decided to wait to see how close the next one was before I woke anyone up.  I found your Daddy’s hand and held it tight while I waited.  9 minutes later another wave came and I squeezed your Daddy’s hand through it, waking him.  He asked if I was OK and I told him we were going to have a baby soon.  I waited through the next few contractions and they got closer together each time.

4:15 am: I sent your Aunt Bonnie the first message and she was here in about 2 minutes.  I sent messages to the other people that needed to mobilize to attend your birth, including our midwife Chris Duffy.  We deduced from your brother’s speedy birth that you were likely to arrive even faster so we didn’t hesitate to collect the birth party.  Your Daddy and Aunt Bonnie began preparing the house for your arrival and started filling the birth pool.  

Over the next hour I stayed in bed and moved as little as possible while using relaxation techniques from the HypnoBirthing Method.  I remembered from your brother’s birth that the pain kicked up about 1000 notches when my water broke so I was determined to keep it in tact as long as possible by immobilization and relaxation.  Your Daddy and Aunt Bonnie checked on me regularly and said sweet things to me.  

5:08 am: Midwife Chris Duffy arrives with her assistant Ashley.  Sometime around this time Sandy, a fellow midwifery student, arrives to take pictures for us.  They stayed out in the living room and I was still in the bedroom so I was a little disconnected to the activity going on.  Finally, someone said that there was enough water in the birth pool if I felt like moving out there.  I had your Aunt Bonnie help me get a different top on and put my hair in a pony tail… all VERY slowly so as not to break the water!  Contractions were coming almost back to back and I somehow found the coordination to get into the living room and into the pool.  Once in, I lay down on my side and used the built in seat with a rolled up towel as a head rest.  Your Daddy remembered that I kept complaining I was going to drown when your brother was born so he did not fill the water very high, it was perfect.  However, we weren’t to enjoy it for long J

5:38 am: After about 3 contractions in the pool my dreaded water broke!  Now, the next 18 minutes were both the most clear and the most foggy moments of the whole ordeal.  I remember the panic hitting me immediately.  I remember thinking that I had just over 2 hours before your brother was born after the water broke and I thought for certain that 2 more hours would surely kill me.  This is when the Nostradamus-like declarations of my imminent death were flying from my mouth in a speedy repetition that would make a Guinness record holding drummer proud.  “I’m gonna die!  I’m gonna die!”  Everyone was smiling and telling me how unlikely my impending doom was but their smiles made me doubt their sincerity.  It’s hard to tell when people are filling you full of shit while you are writhing in pain trying to process the certainty of your own demise.  Just like with Kane, during each contraction my limbs went rigid and my legs slammed closed… hardly ideal for letting a baby out.  It was just as unnerving this time to be ordering your body to do one thing and watching in horror as it not only refuses but seems to mock the audacity of your request with locked legs.  

I summoned all available faculties… and it wasn’t very many but just enough to get me to reach deep into my HypnoBirthing training and finally triumph over my legs and get them where I needed them… While yelling “shut up” at my midwife (sorry, Chris) for telling me where my legs needed to be… as if I didn’t know J

This is about when I ‘changed my mind’.  When my mantra changed from “I’m gonna die” to “I changed my mind”, the smiles almost (and I hand it to the people there for controlling themselves) became laughter.  Keith asked me what on earth I had changed my mind about and he certainly hoped it wasn’t about having a baby because that was one wish I was not going to get.  I said something like “NO STUPID… I CHANGED MY MIND ABOUT DRUGS… I WANT THEM, I WANT THEM NOW!!!!”  Again, please remember that I am envisioning another 2 hours of this intensity.  Just as I finished my sentence, Ashley or Chris said “Why do you want drugs, the head is already out”.  

I did not believe them but when I sat up and looked - there it was, tiny little thing, unlike her brother’s block head J  Finally, I realized that this birth was nearly over and I’d better get my shit together or I was going to miss it!  Very quickly I tried to step into this new reality and focus on getting the rest of my sweet baby out of me and into this world.  For the record… the rest of her did not come out as easily as her head did but it was all MUCH easier than her brother.  

5:56am: We have a baby!!!  We (I) had this baby so fast that we (my sister and I) were in shock, she was babbling “We have a baby… there’s a baby… the baby is here…” in a faraway voice and I was staring at the baby like I didn’t know what was going on or where it came from.  Someone handed me a towel to put around the sweet baby and Ashley suggested we look to see what style of anatomy came with our little bundle but I stopped her.  I wasn’t ready yet to have had a baby in 18 minutes and I needed a few minutes to adjust.  Finally it all sunk in, I grew accustomed to the idea of the infant on my chest and was ready to discover that you were a beautiful baby girl, just as we all thought (and secretly hoped).  

You were peaceful like your brother and so, so lovely.  Your skin is olive and your features are so delicate.  We all fell in love immediately, especially your brother who woke up as you were being born.  He loves on you all the time and pets you, holds you, kisses you and soothes you when you cry.  You weighed 7 lbs and were 19 inches long.

I held you both shortly after your birth and did so several times the rest of that day.  I am happy to report that the overwhelming love I have for the both of you did not destroy me.  In fact, if fortified me, balanced me, wrapped me up and filled me.  I am stronger because of your arrival.  I am more ‘mother’ because of your arrival.  I am capable of love I couldn’t previously fathom because of your arrival.  

Welcome to our family, our hearts and our home little Eden Joelle.