Welcome, Xanat!

The past five years have been spent turning my health around - focusing on my diet, eliminating any chemicals, fragrances, toxins, etc that my body doesn't need, fixing my relationship with my mother and with myself, and striving to be the best version of myself I can be, spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally. Subconsciously, little did I know that I had been prepping my body, mind, heart, and soul to bring my little girl into the world.

I'd been doing curious research about pregnancy, birth, and baby care for a whole year before I got pregnant. I went down rabbit hole after rabbit hole, educating myself on topics I never would have questioned, and having my whole world and perspective changed and modified each day. It wasn't easy looking around and realizing how much I disagree with the world we live in and what has been thrust upon us as an unmoving, unquestionable status quo.

When we found out we were having a baby, I knew I didn't want to go the "conventional" way. I knew I wanted better for me and for the little baby I was now growing. My husband, Blake, bless his heart, agreed, and began also educating and preparing himself for the next adventure to come. He supported all my views and decisions, regardless of if they conflicted with what we had been spoonfed all our lives when it came to pregnancy, labor, childbirth, hospitals, medical drugs, school, raising children, etc.

I began looking, at first, for a doula. I knew I wanted a home birth, and something as close to a free birth as possible. None of the doulas I interviewed felt comfortable attending such a birth or were even legally allowed to do so. I did more research and dug deeper. I, then, began looking for a midwife.

After looking through 18 midwives, I finally found Chris Duffy's website. Immediately, she felt right. I thoroughly read through all her many, many pages of resources, her previous clients' birth stories, and loved her view on life, on birth, on health, and her unfaltering belief in women's bodies. She was exactly what we were looking for - all of her views seemed to align with ours and we could tell she would be an invaluable teacher for us in the process, as well. So we contacted her for a consultation.

Chris was frank, honest, to-the-point, incredibly informed and educated, she has a no-nonsense approach to life, and we loved her right away. She was perfect for what we wanted and needed. I trusted her immediately. I love how she focuses immensely on diet, supplementation, and exercise, which was exactly my focus and priority, as well.

Her students and assistants were wonderful and supportive throughout our prenatal appointments, and we learned so much through Chris each time we saw her. She always took the time to answer all our questions and made sure we left feeling confident in our decisions.

My pregnancy was truly perfect. I felt absolutely amazing, healthy, happy, vibrant, positive, energetic, I thought I had never looked more beautiful... I felt like Wonder Woman.

I had a miscarriage in early 2020 and my body hadn't felt the same since. Once I got pregnant again in 2023, I felt like all my vitality and strength returned. I was tired, yes, as one is when creating life, but I felt unstoppable.
I was eating better than ever and staying extremely active, which were some of the biggest factors, I believe, in having the pregnancy I did. My husband is truly a superhero and he pampered me like a goddess through the whole process and made sure I had everything I needed. I am truly blessed and incredibly privileged to have the support I did.

One of the fears I had when I first got pregnant, especially after working as a performer, athlete, and model for a long time, was that my body would change so much. Once the changes began though, I couldn't help but love every part of myself and the miracle my body was performing. I always thought my body was amazing and strong at what it could achieve. My pregnancy brought that entire admiration to a whole new level.

By January 1st, 2024 (our original predicted due date, the ultrasound marked it as January 2nd), I felt like my body had been prepping to birth my baby since December 24th and that she would be making her transition Earthside at any moment. Chris recommended I take an herbal supplement along with homeopathy to aid and prep my body for labor. We projected it would take four to five days for it to take effect.
I took the herbal supplements, and that night, my husband and I made love. Within 8 hours of taking the supplements and immediately upon the end of our love-making, however, my body was contracting hard, which we got very excited about. It was almost time!

That night, the contractions were extremely uncomfortable and right on top of each other. Timing them, they were coming, on average, every 2 minutes and lasting about 30-40 seconds. I did not get a wink of sleep and felt like I was being put under Chinese sleep deprivation torture. I knew in my gut that the contractions were doing nothing but tiring me out - they were not actually getting us any closer to our baby. I texted Chris and let her know what was happening. She called me and instructed I take a different homeopathic dosage she had given me to stall the contractions and that I get some sleep. We were all so surprised at how quickly the herbal supplement and homeopathy had taken effect, as this was very uncommon.

The second homeopathic dosage I took (January 2nd), which Chris calls the "undo button" and had never used until us, brought the contractions way down and made them manageable, until they completely stopped at around 9PM.

At 11PM, a set of contractions began again, but this time, they felt different - they felt productive, strong, and like a type of wave I could ride. I knew this was it. My husband and I went to sleep and I did my best to get rest, knowing I would need all my strength the next day.

I didn't get much rest that night and as soon as my husband woke up the next day (January 3rd), I asked him to help me time the contractions. We needed 12 in one hour, lasting 1 minute before we needed to call the midwives. He timed them and we were ready to go! I called Chris and she said she'd be right over.

Chris arrived at around 1PM and checked on me. All signs looked good and we were all hopeful. She asked if I wanted her to check how dilated I was and I agreed. My cervix was still super posterior, but I was about 98% effaced and about 4cm dilated.

Her assistant Donna arrived soon after that. The four of us sat in our bedroom and watched The Prince of Egypt on our TV (I wanted something that would flood me with oxytocin and this movie is part of many core memories for me) while I did hip circles and bounced on my birthing ball. The contractions were still coming strong, but I rode each of them with excitement. We watched one more movie, Donna checking the baby's heart tones periodically, and I snacked and stayed super hydrated throughout the day. Bless my beautiful husband for making sure I had anything and everything I needed, the same way he has during my entire pregnancy. He rubbed my back through every contraction and put pressure on my pelvis and sacrum. He made sure I was fed and hydrated and constantly kept reminding me how amazing I was doing, how wonderful I am, and how proud we was of me.

While the second movie (Joseph, King of Dreams) was playing, Blake began filling up the pool in the birthing room and prepping everything for the birth of our daughter. At first I was hesitant to get in the pool, as I knew once I was in there, I would probably not be coming out unless there was a baby in my arms, and bouncing on my ball, standing, and moving around felt really good. Chris recommended I take the the homeopathy again to see if it would help us progress.

In my egoic mind, I felt like I was taking a long time and I was making everyone wait... logically that made no sense, as we have no control over when our baby decides to make their grand entrance... but my ego kept worrying that the midwives would leave... or worse, that I'd fail to progress. Chris suggested I do some stair steps and walk a bit to help things move along if I felt like I was taking too long. She never made me feel like I was taking forever, though. She assured me it was normal for things to take their time and that she was here for me for the long haul.

Originally, I didn't want a lot of hands-on interactions when it came to repeated vaginal exams, etc, but I asked Chris to do another one because I needed to know if I was progressing or not so that I could do things to move labor along if I wasn't. She performed another one. I hadn't progressed much, but she told me not to worry. I kept taking the homeopathy and eating and staying hydrated.

Blake helped me walk around and do some stair steps, but the contractions were getting stronger and I got to the point where I couldn't do the stairs anymore and leaning on the bed swaying my hips was one of the only positions that provided relief. He stood behind me and rubbed my back through the contractions. He reminded me to breathe and I actually started singing and chanting through the waves and he joined me in a low Mmm that helped relax me immensely. His hands and presence kept me calm and kept the oxytocin flowing.

Between contractions, I told Chris about a beautiful book I had read in 2022 called The Red Tent by Anita Diamant. The book has now been turned into a mini series on Amazon Prime and I suggested she and Donna watched it while I continued to be in Early Stage of Labor. Blake and my wonderful mother-in-law brought them some snacks and Blake and I moved into the birthing room where he had set up the birthing pool, beautiful dim fairy lights for me, and was playing a playlist I had put together for the birth.

He helped me get in the pool and made sure the water was warm enough. I don't know how to thank him enough because during the whole process, I remember being cold where my body wasn't under the water and he kept running back and forth to the shower head to keep the temperature warm enough for me. Whenever he would reheat the water or even just hand me the hose with the hot water, I would run it over my chest and back and that would help me relax.

Some time after this, I really had to pee, but I didn't want to do it in the pool, so Blake helped me up and took me to the bathroom. I remember shivering like crazy because I was so cold going from the birthing room to the bathroom. He wrapped me in various towels and a blanket and tried to keep me warm. When we got back to the room, I asked if Chris could do another vaginal exam. I needed to know if I was progressing so that, if I wasn't, I could take action and do things that would ensure I did.

Throughout this whole time, Donna checked for the baby's heart tones and things sounded normal and the baby was happy.

I lied down on an inflatable mattress Blake had set up in the room and Chris performed another vaginal exam. Right as she was inserting her fingers, my water broke. My cervix was now at 6 cm and we were in active labor.

Chris said the contractions were about to get stronger but that we were in the home stretch. She said we were doing great and that we would probably have our baby before the end of the night.

My beautiful husband's excitement was palpable and he kept telling me how beautiful I was and how amazing I was doing and how proud he was of me. He kept my pool water warm and kept me hydrated. He fed me my supplements. He rubbed my back through each contraction while on his knees outside the pool. I so badly wanted him to take a break and rest, but the contractions began getting stronger and stronger and consuming me whole.

I don't fully remember this next part, as I went into a very, very deep meditative trance. I remember breathing deeply and telling myself to relax. I remember swaying back and forth in the water while on my hands and knees and enjoying the flow of the water through my body. I remember my husband's hands on me and his soothing voice coaching me to breathe and encouraging me. I remember receiving a voice message from my mother and feeling newfound strength when hearing her voice. I don't remember what the message said or what her words were, but I remember asking Blake to play it again when it ended because I wanted to hear my mom's voice more. I remember Chris coming into the room and sitting close by.

At some point, with each contraction, my body began to push. I looked up and told this to Chris and she said this was great, but to only push with the contractions so as to not tire myself out. I wasn't doing it willingly, though - my body knew what it had to do and this excited me beyond words.

I kept swaying in the water and feeling more and more pressure build in my pelvis and down below. I knew my baby was making her descent and I kept encouraging her and cheering her on.

"We got this... we can do this..." I don't know if I said out loud, but it became a mantra in my mind.

Donna and Chris continued to get the baby's heart tones more frequently and they kept asking me to flip onto my back in the pool to do it. They asked if I could stay on my back, but the contractions felt horrible while in that position, so I kept flipping back and forth to my knees and my back every time they needed to get the heart tones. Later I learned that the baby's heart rate kept varying from normal to really slow. Luckily, it always bounced back, so Chris wasn't worried, and that concern was never communicated to me, which I'm grateful for, as I was able to stay focused and in that place of ecstasy and calm.

This next part is also a bit of a blur in my mind. I remember feeling like her head was pushing through my pelvis and the beginnings of that infamous burning. I remember asking the angels - the Angel of Birth, in particular - for help and protection.
I felt nothing but calm and excitement. I felt confident and in full trust of my body. I felt powerful and like something indescribable was flowing through me... like I was floating between two worlds.

During my pregnancy, I did the Bradley Method, which was an incredible tool. It emphasizes relaxing and breathing through birth for the woman. It explains the emotional sign posts of labor - one of them being the "self-doubt" sign post, where you will seriously question whether you can do it, if you've made a mistake, "give me the epidural!", if there's a way to opt out and not do this anymore... you get the picture. They say that's when you're minutes away from having your baby... well... I never had that moment. I'm not sure what attributed to this, but I felt completely confident throughout. Maybe because I was expecting the doubt to set in? Or maybe because I knew what to expect? But doubt never crossed my mind. I trusted my body and my will to get us through. I trusted my baby to know what to do to cross Earthside. She and I worked in sync to make it happen.

I don't know how long this went on for, but I remember Chris's presence feeling like a pillar of confidence and strength... like the Crone, the Queen, the Elder aiding a Maiden through her rite of passage into Motherhood. I remember my husband's energy feeling like a warm flow of water, a strong, nurturing, unwavering force holding everything together, and me and our daughter at the center of this vortex. I felt loved and protected and like a thousand angels were there helping us through. Looking back, I can confidently say they were.

When she was about to crown, Chris suggested going into a deep Yogi squat to have gravity help. I pushed in that position until my legs couldn't hold me anymore and went back to pushing on hands and knees. She crowned and the majority of her head came out while Chris helped me stretch and make room for her. It hurt like hell, honestly. From there, Chris suggested switching positions to help baby move, and so I flipped over to my back... not really on my back though, as my upper body was being supported by the side of the pool and my husband held me under the arms while I pushed and reminded me to breathe and kept encouraging me. My feet were both firmly planted on the floor of the pool and my hips raised in a bridge.

Each contraction, my body pushed as hard as it could. I remember feeling a little embarrassed at the noises I thought were coming out of my mouth. I thought of placing my voice in a healthy singer's placement while I pushed and moaned, but my body was doing whatever it needed to do and I had no control over that part. My voice was pretty sore the next day, I will say, but it was worth it. Looking back, I shouldn't have pushed so hard while she was crowning - a decision I will do differently for my next birth.

Chris was like an amazing fitness coach...
"Can you give me one more? You got one more in there, I know you do! Take a deep breath. Breathe, and with the next contraction, give me one more! You can do it! You're doing great! Good... good!"

My baby's head kept coming out and going back in. As she was coming out, Chris noticed that she had a hand up by her face. She slid back inside after one of the contractions, and when she reappeared, her hand was gone, which was a relief!

Her head finally popped out, and with two or three more pushes, she finally came out at 10:25 PM, and Chris pulled her out of the water and into my arms. Someone handed me a wet towel and told me to wrap her up and rub her back.

My baby didn't cry, didn't scream... she gurgled a bit and did some baby whimpers and gently laid her head on my chest. My husband cried at my shoulder and I excitedly greeted our baby.

She was perfect - tiny, with long legs, a split chin, and a light coating of vernix on her skin. I held her tight, and felt a flood of gratitude and awe. I asked for the music to be turned off and I sang a lullaby in Portuguese to my baby daughter while my husband held us both over my shoulder, Xanat and I still sitting in the pool. I pulled her close, and she instinctively latched on to my breast and began to suckle.

Soon after, Chris asked if we wanted to cut the cord. I said I wanted to wait till it was white and not pulsing anymore, to which Chris replied that it was already so. I looked down to see what the cord was indeed white and not pulsing anymore. I gave one hard push and her placenta was born. I grabbed it and pulled it out of the water, and it was placed in a bucket. Blake cut the cord with Chris's help.

While I held my daughter, I felt my vagina burning in a way that didn't feel quite right. The water in the pool was blood-red and I knew something was off... I reached down and felt a pretty severe tear in my perineum.

Chris suggested we get out of the pool and into bed, as the water was getting cold and she needed to see how bad the damage to my perineal area was.

I got out of the pool and was wrapped in towels and blankets along with my daughter, a huge pad placed between my legs to catch any blood, and taken to my bedroom, where I laid in bed with her.

She kept suckling, and I wanted, above all else, for us to have our Golden Hour together immediately after birth. While I held her skin-to-skin, Chris looked between my legs and went, "uh-oh... I can't stitch that up... we need to go to the hospital because I think you have a fourth degree tear," I definitely did not want to go to the hospital, but after I saw the amount of blood in the pad, and Chris's reaction, I knew I had to go. I said I wanted to complete our bonding hour before heading out. Chris called my preferred hospital and Blake grabbed our bags, which I'd packed ahead of time, just in case. We took some time trying to figure out if I should bring the baby or leave her at home. The thought of being away from her literally hurt me physically, so we opted to bring her along so I could feed her if she needed me, as we didn't know how long our hospital visit would be.

I rode in the back of the car with my daughter, Xanat. Chris took her own car, and Donna went home. We arrived at Methodist Hospital at Willowbrook at around 1am. They saw us relatively soon after we came in. Chris didn't leave my side and Blake stayed with the baby in the waiting area. I was evaluated by the OB, who said it wasn't a fourth degree tear, but a third, instead. After doing paperwork and opting out of antibiotics and staying overnight, my little party was moved into an operating room where I was quickly and efficiently stitched up by Dr. Castillo. Once she cleaned my tear and took a deeper look, she realized it was a pretty severe double second degree tear, which was good news... much better than the fourth degree we had feared it would be. She did a beautiful job, and was sweet and kind, not just to me, but to my husband, and Chris, whom she allowed to watch her do the procedure - something not many doctors allow. The whole team was absolutely lovely, kind, patient, and supportive... which I was not expecting!

100 stitches later, I was breastfeeding my baby on the operating table and waiting to sign the release papers so we could go home.

A little side note: I was placed in stirrups while I was being stitched up. Holy crap was I uncomfortable and I felt trapped... I thank my lucky stars I had my baby at home and, though I would have preferred to not have had to go to the hospital, I'm glad that I only had to be there to get stitches. Looking back, I'm glad I went to the hospital. I am very distrustful of the medical industry, but the team at this particular hospital was so wonderful... it really changed my perspective about it. I still would not give birth at a hospital if I can help it, but it showed me that there is kindness, support, and loving people there, too.

At around 4 AM, we finally made our way home. Chris had stayed with us the whole time, which I was so grateful for. After leaving the hospital, we went our separate ways, Chris saying she would come see us the next day.

We arrived home, exhausted, but so glad and happy.

I couldn't be more grateful about how beautiful my birth was. It was my dream birth and I brought my dream rainbow baby Earthside. I did it with no drugs, no doctors... just me and my husband and our wonderful midwives. I feel so powerful, so beautiful, and so grateful and in awe of my beautiful body for creating this miracle. There are a few things I will do differently for my next birth, but this was a wonderful learning experience and I truly believe the habits that I maintained during my pregnancy, postpartum, along with the incredible birth experience we had has set up my baby to have the best infancy I can give her.

I think back to her birth every day and feel so much love and pride.

A special thank you to my wonderful husband for all his love, his support, for believing in me, for taking such food care of me, and for making my pregnancy and birth so perfect.
Thank you to Chris, not only for being so incredibly good at her job and for helping us throughout my pregnancy and for being such a pillar of strength during my birth and postpartum, but for being such a great friend.
Thank you to my mom, my dad, and my brothers for supporting my decisions and for cheering me on.

Thank you to my in-laws for allowing us to give birth to our daughter in their home, even though it was very different from the way they did things. Thank you for housing us and being there for us these past two years.

Thank you to Anthony William, Medical Medium - without his miraculous and sacred information, I wouldn't have been able to achieve what I was able to do with my pregnancy, my birth, and my postpartum recovery. Thank you for all you do for so many.

Thank you to my beautiful body. You are a miracle. You are stronger than I could have imagined and I am so grateful to you for how hard you have worked to get to where we are now. I am so proud of you and honored to live in you.

And to my beautiful daughter, Xanat - thank you for choosing me. Thank you for being mine and making me your mom. You are my biggest pride, my greatest joy, and the most wonderful thing I have ever created. I love you, always,
-Mom